Raindrops and I

I just changed the look of my blog. I know this design is provided by blogspot but I decided that this would be my blog's look. The background picture is of raindrops (am I right?) and those will tell everybody what I go through right now and ever since I can remember.

The raindrops, of course, would tell you that there's a rain. And if it rains, meaning it's dark and cold and all of a sudden you feel different. You may feel lazy or sad or depressed. That's true to most, if not all. According to Mental Hygiene, that's what you call the SAD or the Seasonal Affective Disorder.

According to studies, during cold seasons, like winter and rainy seasons, there are more cases of people who commit suicide and/or have suicidal tendencies. This is an effect of the SAD.

And yes, I do get SAD, too. But, no, I never thought of suicide. Really. My pain tolerance is low and I'm afraid of hell. No one gets saved if he kills himself, you know. But, yes, again, I do get SAD. And SADly, the SAD I get is not just on cold rainy seasons. I always get SAD - almost everyday. Even if the weather's not cold, I always feel cold.

I feel something's lacking. I feel unhappy all the time. I know I have friends who surround me, and even if they don't know what I feel inside, they are always a big help to me for when I'm with them, they make me forget what I feel all the time. AND yet, there's a "bingaw" in my smiles.

There are lots of things I want to know.

What do I need? What things would satisfy and make me happy? Are there problems before that until now I haven't resolved and are left hanging somewhere in my brain and heart? Do I really know myself? Do I really love the people around me? Do they love, appreciate, respect, value me? What do I really want with my life? Do I just need rest?

Right now, all I could think is, I need PEACE OF MIND. But where can I get it?

It's been a long time that I have planned on a trip where I will travel alone. Look for a very tranquil place where I can think and find myself. Where no distractions can obstruct my thoughts. Where I can pour out all the tears I need to pour out. But I can't find the time. And until now, this plan is just a plan. I don't know.

Maybe I'll just get used with this SAD that I am into for now. Maybe I can get through this (Pang Mariah ba. I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE RAIN!)

Basta! This is what I feel and I don't understand what I feel.