REMEBERING NANA THELMA (WE WILL MISS YOU, NANA)

I am heartbroken.

Nana, our longtime "mayordoma" who served our family longer than I live, has died this morning. I can't describe no longer what I feel except confusion. I feel the saddest at this moment but I also feel regretful and also a little hatred. But among these things I feel, I pity Nana.

Nana has worked hard all her life and for sure had never tasted the comfort of life other people, including us, has experienced. Although we have shared with her some of what we had in our comfort, it was not enough.

We love Nana, for real. Why not? In the absence of our mother when we were studying in the city, Nana was the one taking care of us. She saw us growing up and she saw all the sorrows and joys we had experienced in the family. Although, to some people who have known her, she may seem like a shadow in our family , but to us Nana will have the best part in our lives.

Nana sacrificed a lot for her own family. In order to save her sisters and grandchildren from severe hunger, at her age (70+, she herself don't know her birthday)she still worked and earn money for them. Worse, her nieces and nephew whom she sent to school had not even tried to support her. She could have stayed in her house and waited for the help of these people. But never. I remembered, just this Christmas, when I gave her a gift she was so thankful and even cried because of hurt she felt towards these people. I was almost teary-eyed at that time, too.

Nana and I had sometimes fantasies about the future. We would talk about the time when we (my siblings and I)would become rich and build a bigger house. I told her that I would really reserve a room for her where she could stay and servants would someday serve her. But these would never happen now. Never.

As soon as I knew that Nana has died, I felt lot of regrets. In the past few days that she was feeling all the pain the cancer has given her, we never spared a time to visit her and just even say Thank You to her. Every time I think of this, I feel like exploding. What must Nana be thinking until the time she succumbed to death? Did she feel bad about us when we never even visited her?

Financially, we are down too, right now. But compared to her we are more fortunate. But we never did help her with the money she could have needed. We are all jobless, but these are not reasons not to help her. I feel very very bad right now. If my apologies could be heard by someone who did, I will keep on saying SORRY to Nana. But Nana will never hear it anymore. But still I would say, Nana, I AM VERY SORRY.

Everything I have written here is not enough to tell all about Nana. But in my heart, Nana will always be Nana. And in my heart, I know Nana has done a lot to us. More than a lot.

Nana, we thank you for all the sacrifices you had given to us. Thank you for taking care of us for the past 20 years. Thank you for treating us like we were your children. Thank you for all the laughter you had shared wit us. Thank you for all the things you had done to us. Without you, we could have been different persons. With all honesty, we love you Nana. Nobody could replace you in our hearts.

We will miss you, Nana. We will.