I was looking at the poems I wrote about a year ago, a lame attempt to write one, and as I read it, I had goosebumps.
Although it was a product of a thorough reading of two chapters of The Poet's Companion, a book introduced to me by Adelle, I came to ask myself: Did I really write those poems?
The book was inspiring. I'm the one who won't be inspired.
I looked for them because I want to put it here on my blog. But, never mind. It might become a laughing stock. I have to reread and rewrite it again so that it's worth the posting here.
Goosebumps!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Raindrops and I
I just changed the look of my blog. I know this design is provided by blogspot but I decided that this would be my blog's look. The background picture is of raindrops (am I right?) and those will tell everybody what I go through right now and ever since I can remember.
The raindrops, of course, would tell you that there's a rain. And if it rains, meaning it's dark and cold and all of a sudden you feel different. You may feel lazy or sad or depressed. That's true to most, if not all. According to Mental Hygiene, that's what you call the SAD or the Seasonal Affective Disorder.
According to studies, during cold seasons, like winter and rainy seasons, there are more cases of people who commit suicide and/or have suicidal tendencies. This is an effect of the SAD.
And yes, I do get SAD, too. But, no, I never thought of suicide. Really. My pain tolerance is low and I'm afraid of hell. No one gets saved if he kills himself, you know. But, yes, again, I do get SAD. And SADly, the SAD I get is not just on cold rainy seasons. I always get SAD - almost everyday. Even if the weather's not cold, I always feel cold.
I feel something's lacking. I feel unhappy all the time. I know I have friends who surround me, and even if they don't know what I feel inside, they are always a big help to me for when I'm with them, they make me forget what I feel all the time. AND yet, there's a "bingaw" in my smiles.
There are lots of things I want to know.
What do I need? What things would satisfy and make me happy? Are there problems before that until now I haven't resolved and are left hanging somewhere in my brain and heart? Do I really know myself? Do I really love the people around me? Do they love, appreciate, respect, value me? What do I really want with my life? Do I just need rest?
Right now, all I could think is, I need PEACE OF MIND. But where can I get it?
It's been a long time that I have planned on a trip where I will travel alone. Look for a very tranquil place where I can think and find myself. Where no distractions can obstruct my thoughts. Where I can pour out all the tears I need to pour out. But I can't find the time. And until now, this plan is just a plan. I don't know.
Maybe I'll just get used with this SAD that I am into for now. Maybe I can get through this (Pang Mariah ba. I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE RAIN!)
Basta! This is what I feel and I don't understand what I feel.
The raindrops, of course, would tell you that there's a rain. And if it rains, meaning it's dark and cold and all of a sudden you feel different. You may feel lazy or sad or depressed. That's true to most, if not all. According to Mental Hygiene, that's what you call the SAD or the Seasonal Affective Disorder.
According to studies, during cold seasons, like winter and rainy seasons, there are more cases of people who commit suicide and/or have suicidal tendencies. This is an effect of the SAD.
And yes, I do get SAD, too. But, no, I never thought of suicide. Really. My pain tolerance is low and I'm afraid of hell. No one gets saved if he kills himself, you know. But, yes, again, I do get SAD. And SADly, the SAD I get is not just on cold rainy seasons. I always get SAD - almost everyday. Even if the weather's not cold, I always feel cold.
I feel something's lacking. I feel unhappy all the time. I know I have friends who surround me, and even if they don't know what I feel inside, they are always a big help to me for when I'm with them, they make me forget what I feel all the time. AND yet, there's a "bingaw" in my smiles.
There are lots of things I want to know.
What do I need? What things would satisfy and make me happy? Are there problems before that until now I haven't resolved and are left hanging somewhere in my brain and heart? Do I really know myself? Do I really love the people around me? Do they love, appreciate, respect, value me? What do I really want with my life? Do I just need rest?
Right now, all I could think is, I need PEACE OF MIND. But where can I get it?
It's been a long time that I have planned on a trip where I will travel alone. Look for a very tranquil place where I can think and find myself. Where no distractions can obstruct my thoughts. Where I can pour out all the tears I need to pour out. But I can't find the time. And until now, this plan is just a plan. I don't know.
Maybe I'll just get used with this SAD that I am into for now. Maybe I can get through this (Pang Mariah ba. I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE RAIN!)
Basta! This is what I feel and I don't understand what I feel.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
What Will I Write? (I'm A Dead River)
I just saw a post on Maia's Facebook - a link to her blog. When I opened I just suddenly miss my own blog which has never got my attention for almost 2 years now. Yes, 2 years. And that's how long I struggled with writing, too.
I don't know, but slowly I realized that I no longer have the urge to write anything. Poems, short stories, everything! Including paper assignments in my Master's ed. I just have this writing block and I'm afraid that it would be blocked forever. Like a dead river where once a great flow of water was there but because of some circumstances it was dried up and was considered dead. No water can pass through it anymore.
This is ironic, actually. I'm writing on my blog when all I could tell my best friend is that I can't write anymore. I don't even want to read his write ups because I know I would feel so bad when I see it.
This is a lame attempt, maybe. I'm forcing myself to finish this. Things are just popping out my mind on what to write here but I can't organize them. (Oh King Kay Oss, what are you doing?)
I try to write in here because just maybe, just maybe there would be a little spark and the dead river that I am now would have a little life. Just for now.
I really can't write now. and READ. I have been forcing myself, too, to read but I just can't finish a page or two of any book I get hold on to. Before, I just have the habit to buy books to satisfy my thoughts that I still want to read. But in the past weeks when I look at them, it seems as if they're just of those decorations inside the house. I'm not in love with them anymore. Cool-off.
Basta! I just let things happen. Maybe in the near future I will have my Love back again and I will no longer be a dead river.
{I don't know how to end this. But I want you to know I'm ending this but there are still things playing on my mind. I don't know how to put them into words.Pasensya lang kun galibot libot ginasulat ko di. Indi na gid ko kabalo magsulat. =( }
I don't know, but slowly I realized that I no longer have the urge to write anything. Poems, short stories, everything! Including paper assignments in my Master's ed. I just have this writing block and I'm afraid that it would be blocked forever. Like a dead river where once a great flow of water was there but because of some circumstances it was dried up and was considered dead. No water can pass through it anymore.
This is ironic, actually. I'm writing on my blog when all I could tell my best friend is that I can't write anymore. I don't even want to read his write ups because I know I would feel so bad when I see it.
This is a lame attempt, maybe. I'm forcing myself to finish this. Things are just popping out my mind on what to write here but I can't organize them. (Oh King Kay Oss, what are you doing?)
I try to write in here because just maybe, just maybe there would be a little spark and the dead river that I am now would have a little life. Just for now.
I really can't write now. and READ. I have been forcing myself, too, to read but I just can't finish a page or two of any book I get hold on to. Before, I just have the habit to buy books to satisfy my thoughts that I still want to read. But in the past weeks when I look at them, it seems as if they're just of those decorations inside the house. I'm not in love with them anymore. Cool-off.
Basta! I just let things happen. Maybe in the near future I will have my Love back again and I will no longer be a dead river.
{I don't know how to end this. But I want you to know I'm ending this but there are still things playing on my mind. I don't know how to put them into words.Pasensya lang kun galibot libot ginasulat ko di. Indi na gid ko kabalo magsulat. =( }
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Ang Reklamo Sang Tawo nga Nakakita sang Pispis/Alibangbang nga Nasulod sa Hawla sa Pila na ka Tu-ig
Isa bala ina ka pispis o isa ka alibangbang
ang nakapreso sa sulod sang isa ka gamay kag tuktukon nga hawla?
Gagamay na kag gasakit ang akon nga mga mata.
Pero kung ano man siya nga klase sang nilalang,
isa lang ang maintindihan ko sa iya -
Gusto niya buksan sang iya dupol nga baba ang nakakandado nga hawla.
Nagapangabudlay siya palak pero indi ina matalunpangdan
sang iya tambok nga amo (nga daw wala kapaligo ang tsura)
kay kagamay sang lugar nga iya ginapalakan.
Malupad siya.
Pero paano kay indi siya gani kapalak sang sakto.
Indi niya man gani mabuksan maayo
ang malapad niya nga "neon green and pink" nga pakpak.
Asta san-o siya magpangabudlay?
Asta maglunay ang hawla pero indi niya na matuka (kung pispis gid man siya)
kay tigulang na siya?
San-o siya pwede ka gwa?
Kung patay na ang iya amo kag
asta siya mismo mapatay lang man nga
wala ya napalupad ang iya kaugalingon?
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
As It Goes Down...
When I or they say "One Down!" I mean the things I should be doing like beating the deadline and beating the anxiety I feel when I get all the pressures - results of having a psychological imbalances (my own diagnosis, of course. But seems like "One Down" means I am going down, too! What is this?! Please sponsor my appointment to the psychiatrist! Waha!
Friday, October 9, 2009
haays...
No time for this as of now. Adjustments are hard for me. Still one of my few psychological incapacities. Hayy..
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